I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
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she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
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I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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