Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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