Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
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Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
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I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
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