I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
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