Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
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Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
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