Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
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I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
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He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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