You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
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Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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