I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
True college students do jello shots in the library
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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