This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
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Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
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She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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