So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
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We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
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But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
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