When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
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I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
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I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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