Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
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michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
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Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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