The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
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i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
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But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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