I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
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We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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