my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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