mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
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