I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
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I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
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The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
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