Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
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