There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
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