I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
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