I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
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omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
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She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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