Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
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If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
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It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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