What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
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What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
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there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
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