True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Randomize