I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
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She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
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It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
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