If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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