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i think my tv is drunk
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Randomize
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