nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
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He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
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The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
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