I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
i think my tv is drunk
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
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I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
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For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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