finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize