You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
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he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
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Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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