you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
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This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
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