My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
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