I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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