just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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