I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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