I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
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I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
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If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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