So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
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Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
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Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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