you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
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I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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