Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
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