I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
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In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
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Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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