The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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