the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
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Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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