it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
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Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
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First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
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