I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
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I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
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I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
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