I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
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She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
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Your shirt... Was in my pants
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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