At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize