Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
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Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
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We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
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