she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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