I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize